Tried to blog last night, but blogger refused to work properly...I think the site was down for maintenance.
I hate burdening other people with my stupid fucking problems. I'm seriously considering starting another blog simply for the purpose of ranting about boys and my stupid, stupid confusion thereof. Too many people read this (case in point: how do you think Chris clued in on me being confused in the first place?).
Concerning all that: I think I'm just going to try to ignore my stupid confusey feelings. "What? What feelings? I don't like anyone, I have Chris! La, la, la."
Things will work themselves out, I'm sure. Because, come on, what the hell am I thinking?
"keep it locked up inside
don't talk about it
talk about the weather..."
-Dave Matthews Band
Well, maybe I don't want humans to become extinct but I do think we should cut down our population by a lot.
Come out, Mr. Sunshine!
Well, I'm feeling a lot better today, so I'm not even going to get into What Happened On Tuesday except to say that it was bad, very bad. They put me on some "mood stabilizers" (something called zyprexa)...I took them one day but Chris and I agreed that all they did was make me extremely groggy and listless. As for me and Chris, I think we worked everything out, so that's good...I still care about that other person very much (though they're still clueless, by the way), but I know Chris is right for me, and I feel really happy to be with him again. I know it's going to take Chris awhile to get over being scared that I'll leave him again though.
In other news...let's see...my mother doesn't understand me, I have a fiction paper that's very, very late that I haven't even started on, another color project due on Thursday, and a project due Monday that I don't understand. Nyargh. I'm going to ignore all that for a bit though and spend today cleaning house, because it really needs it, and I'm in the mood to do it. Yay!
Now...look at the giraffe! Silly giraffe!
"...and all your weight, it falls on me
it falls on me"
Update coming when I feel like it. Specifically, when I quit feeling so damn groggy.
Can you feel the drama? It's filling up the whole fucking room. Oy.
Well, that was painful.
Well, I ditched color today, partly because I have a fiction paper due tonight that I completely forgot about (and could have finished over the weekend, had I remembered) and partly because...
Chris ended up reading my blog last night...needless to say, we didn't get much sleep, and there was lots of crying, on both parts. Bad, bad, very bad. Yes, I like someone else. Yes, Chris clued in on this, even though the person I like hasn't yet (I don't think). I hurt all over. I'm such a horrible, horrible girlfriend. Why do I get myself into these things? Why can't I just ignore it? No one wants a psycho like me anyway, and Chris is a good match because we both have so much in common...why can't I just be content, already?
...Chris is convinced I'm going to leave him.
I can't leave him...I could never do that to him again.
For the record, the quote at the end today describes perfectly how I'm feeling.
Current letter to God
WHY? Why does everything have to be so difficult? And what do I do about it? I can't make a decision here...I just can't. Am I supposed to ignore it, and do nothing? Or do I throw everything away? I refuse to repeat the whole "Stephen" incident.
...what the hell do I do? I have absolutely no frame of reference for these kinds of things.
I just wish I knew what to do. Or at least had someone to talk to about everything. I really miss Bend and Boise sometimes...I miss Chipmunk and Haley and my friend Jenguin.
I'm so confused.
"She gets mad
And she starts to cry
She takes a swing but she can't hit
She don't mean no harm
She just don't know...
What else to do about it"
- Jane's Addiction (Jane Says)
Screw you, humanity.
I hate being human sometimes. I hate things being complicated, I hate wondering and worrying about how other people see me. I hate how dumb and hateful people can be sometimes, and how cruel we can be to each other (see: war, hatred, bigotry, etc.). I want to be a cat. Cats have it much easier. Cats never care what anyone else thinks. The toughest decision a cat has to make is "Should I stalk that bird, or lay here in the sunshine some more?". I want pointy ears and whiskers. I want to drink milk and sleep on the warm laundry. I. Don't. Want. To. Be. Human.
This is a mighty cool link. I wany very very much to go to Sedona now. Brian Froud is going to be there. BRIAN FROUD, damnit! Brian "I can draw fucking awesome fairies way better than you ever could" Froud. ...but it's soon, and how the hell would I get to Sedona? *sad*
Had a fabulous LAN party at Stephanie's boyfriend's (Jaime's) house. We HAVE to do that again, sometime, Stufey! It was cool! It was kind of funny though...a whole other party showed up and people were hanging out and being drunk...wish I could have joined them, but I had to drive. Stupid driving! Anyway, we'll have to go drinking sometime...Stephanie kind of reminds me of my friend Chipmunk (who's in AZ this year) when she's drunk...hyper and giggly and cool. I think it's be a lot of fun. I tend to bounce off the walls if I'm in a good mood when I drink...other times it's not so good, so I have to be careful about how I'm feeling when I drink, so I don't go psycho and blubber all over anyone...I'm such a pansy. God.
In other news, I'm still an airhead. Oh yeah, a self-centered airhead. Well, there you go.
"I don't need to walk around in circles
walk around in circles
walk around in circles
walk around in circles"