October 25, 2003

I think I'm doing better...

Freaked out a little last week, but Chris hugged me and sat with me until I calmed down, and that helped a lot. The only thing is after work sometimes, and sometimes at night I still want to cut. It just depends. I've been good since the hospital though...I think that scared me more than I realized. I still think about it a lot, and sometimes the want is pretty strong, but I think I'm doing better. The incident last week was after a bad dream, but like I said, Chris helped a lot.

It's nice to have someone to hold you, and I'm kind of astounded that I haven't screwed this up yet. It's been what, two years? Two and a half? Seems like fifteen, twenty. We're so close... which I know can be a bad thing...becoming too codependent, but I think we're doing pretty well with that. The only thing is, Chris tends to freak out over (what I see as) the smallest things...like not finding his keys, or something going wrong with his computer. I have a really hard time dealing with that. Sometimes I get angry...but then, he's been infinitely patient with me, so I don't think I have any right to be. Other times I just get scared and sad and try to stay out of his way so he knows I'm upset, and other times I get edgy and don't know how to deal with it and want to go cut. Which is so incredibly stupid.

I still want to hide. I still want to draw as little attention to myself as possible. I keep daydreaming about becoming a librarian, but you have to get a Master's for that. A Master's to shelve books...what the hell?

Other than that, it's the perfect job. Hide quietly among the books.

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